One day, about thirty years ago, curiosity got the better of me, and I used the heart-shaped soap in my grandmother's bathroom. It was precisely the color of the sink, toilet, bathtub, and hamper, and coordinated beautifully with the floor and wall tiles (Grandma had the mid-century trend of the perfectly coordinated bathroom down cold. This thing was a work of art, and its teal sister upstairs was just as amazing.). It even had a little brass plaque in the center engraved with the name of the scent of the soap (Coty? Was it Coty?). That soap smelled nice, and I told either my mother or my aunt about it. She was scandalized, and pivoted our conversation so that Grandma wouldn't find out. "That soap is for looking, not for using."
This is still a decorating skill I have not mastered. How do you select soap that you want people to not touch? Is there a store I just haven't been into yet? Is this something you receive as a trophy when you master placing a lit candle in your bathroom that will be discreet, but also not light anyone's hair on fire? Did this just pass me by, due to my dislike of strongly scented candles, room fresheners, and other corporate attempts to make my bathroom smell like plastic roses?
Also, in a small bathroom, where does one put the guest towel that no one is allowed to use? How do you communicate that? Does everyone else just know, or do you stitch on some deeply uncomfortable tassel fringe that looks dry clean only?
At this point, I just kind of warn people that I'm lacking in social niceties, but that there will be good cheese. I have aspirations, though, which is why I spent a good amount of time today looking for a soap version of the Maltese Falcon on Etsy. There aren't any (yet). I really hope that when I do find it, it's scented with Drakkar Noir, so I can tell who ignored the engraved plate that I plan to install on it. All who smell like a would-be cool kid at a middle school dance did not heed the little plate that reads "For looking, not for using."
It will be located next to the guest towel, which will be encrusted with enough rhinestones to render it unusable as a towel, but absolutely stunning when the lights (all of the bulbs will be functional at the same time, dammit) hit it. My guest towel will be so glittery that my sister will try to open a roller disco in my bathroom.
My hostessing prowess will reach new heights. Only then will I feel brave enough to light a candle in my bathroom without any warning signs on the door. The candle will come from one of those places at the mall that's full of stuff that looks like it came from Pier One about five years ago, but the clerks are super offended if you point that out. It will have a scent name like "Crisp Paper," but it will smell nothing like old books, which will be how it landed on bathroom duty in the first place.
And the cheese will still be good.
For serious, if anyone finds a Maltese Falcon-shaped soap, let me know. My internet searching prowess is failing me.
Also, I'm going to need to borrow someone's BeDazzler, because heat-set rhinestones are totally not going to stay on terry cloth. Should I make the rhinestone design be a Maltese Falcon, so the theme is continued? Does this mean I finally have to get rid of the painting reproduction I got on clearance at Target when I was supposed to be only buying socks that I use to justify having blue towels in a pink bathroom?
I should probably stick to the warning instead. I'm already calling most of these people to give them notice about the fact our living room is covered in Lego sets. Most people's expectations of us plummet as soon as they hear about that bit, anyway.
Does anyone offer a seminar in Remedial Classiness?
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