A Proposal For Better Care of Each Other

                 I am cautiously optimistic about today's news.  There are so many things that could twist or slip in this atmosphere right now, that I will not fully believe it until there is an oath of office on January 20.  There have just been so many implications and threats and refusals that I know this will be a very strange two months to come.

                Today, I ended up in a long phone call with a friend, talking about relationship expectations.  I won't go into detail about her issue, but I will share this thought:  You are not the director of a small ensemble play called Your Life.  You are the director of a one-person show called Your Life.  You cannot control the actions of other people beyond a certain point, and you cannot force them to love you precisely the way you want to be loved without communication.  Want all your friends to visit you as you recover from surgery?  Say something.  For some people, it feels rude to bustle in on another person when they are not at their best.  For some people, entertaining guests while recovering is exhausting.  Expecting flowers for your anniversary?  Drop a clue to your partner that a vasefull would be much appreciated.  

            It's not that other people are dumb.  It's that many situations have different variations, and different people have different styles of expressing love and concern.  Why didn't he ask if you're feeling better today?  Well, it could be that he was sleepy enough when you mentioned feeling ill last night that he thinks he might have dreamt it.  Or he knows that if you're still feeling ill, you might not want to talk about it, since you have to do the things you have to do anyway.  Or he knows better than to start asking questions before the coffee has hit its target. 

                I feel constantly like I'm doing the wrong things.  I read advice books regularly, not to become a guru of some sort, but to feel like I have found the baseline that everyone else seems to know instinctually.   I do my best to give love and support where I can, but I'm fully aware that I can come off as awkward or cold.  Unless something is illegal or unethical, I try my best not to get cranky if someone doesn't do exactly what I want with no communication.  My least favorite phrase in interpersonal relationships is "Everybody knows..." or "It's just common sense that...", because more often than not, the person declaring this is referring to their own personal expectations.  Everybody knows that light can come from the sun.  Not everybody knows how you personally expect to be treated at all times.  It can create a situation that feels constantly disappointing for one person and like a minefield for the other person.  Nobody wins, though the person setting the rules has an opportunity to feel that they have the moral high ground.  The moral high ground can feel pretty lonely if the other person decides it's easier to leave the minefield than to attempt to walk on it.

                Do your relationships a favor, and communicate about things.  Does your office have to be magazine perfect before you consider it to be clean?  Say something to your officemate, who prefers a more lived-in feel, rather than snarking or assuming martyrdom (and recognize that your expectations might not be met).  Do you think an unthreaded serger is work that has been left for you, even if nobody said anything to you?  It's possible your coworker had to leave in a hurry the night before and was trying to get in early to fix it.  It's rare that your partner would chortle to himself as he left the seat up, imagining your distress at falling in.  He might have just been thinking about something else.  Also, how can you not check for a rat in your toilet every single time before you sit down, and at the same time, notice the seat level?  I've been obsessively checking for decades now.  Urban myths are not just for entertainment--they can also save a heinie.

                Can we all agree that the person who brought home food that isn't in your eating plan isn't necessarily trying to sabotage you, but might have genuinely been craving the food and momentarily forgot your limitations?  Can we agree that, in fact, we are not always the center of other people's decision making, and that everyone has the right to make some mistakes along the way?

                Fuzzy and I do our best to avoid the inquisition, and instead to just express the frustration and make requests for next time.  Example:  "You left this morning with only four squares of toilet paper in the bathroom.  I can't get out the stepladder when Tiny's running around, so I had to fish paper from the other bathroom.  No fair!"  "I'm sorry.  I didn't notice."  "Can we both be better next time, and check before you leave for the day when it's getting low?"  Frustration vented.  Response offered.  Request placed.  Not everyone lives in our heads.  At five feet tall, I live in a world that was created for someone bigger than me.  There are makes of cars that I cannot buy, because the seat can never move far enough forward for me to drive with my foot instead of one outstretched toe.  There are cabinets in which I can only reach the bottom shelf.  I can't always assume that Fuzzy knows that I can't reach something, even if we have been together seventeen years.  Some days, I have to advocate for myself, and ask for changes.  It does nothing good for either of us if I simply stew that he should know by now and it's all just so unfair. 

                It's not always perfect, and it's not always easy.  My best days are the ones in which I wake up and declare that I will do the best I can to take care of the people in my life, that I will give them the benefit of the doubt, and that I will say something before resentment builds.  The other days, I resent before I realize it, hotly assume that other people have nefarious intentions, and generally feel myself ill used.  All I can do is try to have more best days than other days.  May we all attempt the same.