We had parent teacher conferences today, and (thank goodness!) Kiddo is improving well. I think we may have found the right combination for right now, and we'll just keep adjusting as needed. I honestly thought that it would be harder to handle both girls at the same time, but it's not completely terrible. It's not forever, and I can handle just about anything if I know that it will transition into something else later.
When you work in theatre, especially on multiple shows, your life is a series of deadlines and changes. You bust your tail for weeks, then sit in a dark space for hours on end between frantically changing things for a week or so, then you (possibly) have a break, and then it all starts again. Or it doesn't, and you look for your next job. Year in. Year out. Deadlines, fittings, building, changes, finishing, opening, starting over. And taking each show out, cleaning it, and putting it away. It startled me when I had a "normal" job to not have a week off after we would finish a huge project. I worked my eyeballs out, and nobody applauded or invited me to a party with the producers? Lame. Though the regular paychecks and benefits were pretty nice, all things considered. My career has conditioned me to believe that I can endure anything if I know there is an end to it.
There is a great deal of power in being allowed to recognize that something is not good. I have been in a few situations in which I was pressured to be positive at all times. Even stating that "some days are like that," รก la Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, was viewed as being negative. It was exhausting, because it felt like lying to myself. Kiddo is 100% allowed to state that she is unhappy, or that something is making her sad. She also needs to recognize that it won't be terrible forever.
One of the unfortunate things that women do to each other is tell horror stories about giving birth--the pain, the indignity, the terrible things that can go wrong. My own birth experiences were both considerably less than ideal, but what I tell women who are facing that part of life is simply this: "It's one day. Labor can last for a few days in certain situations, but most of the time, it's one day out of your life. It's a day that is hard. It's a day that is long. It's a day that is painful and difficult and awful, but when it's over, it is a day that changes the rest of your life. You can make it for a day if you know that this day will end and the next will be different."
My mental health is often rough, but I have learned through the years to recognize that it's rough, then look for the ways to make it all work. We are not having the fall we hoped for. It's highly unlikely we will have the winter we hoped for. We will miss out on most of the celebrations and gatherings we traditionally have, and my industry will remain dark for months and months to go. We have each other, though, and we will take the best care we can, and we will recognize that this is not what we want, but it is what we have. It will not be perfect, but it also will not be forever.
For now, I give you my mantras: "You can. You will. And when you do, it will be glorious." and "Not forever. Not forever. Not forever."
Thank you.
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