How Can Sticking Stuff in Dirt Be This Hard?

                One of my goals for this year is to start gardening in earnest.  This goal scares me more than any of my other goals, simply because I have failed this one so many times.  I have come to the conclusion that I cannot keep things that don't yell at me alive.

                When they are hungry and you are holding the food, pets yell at you.  Babies yell at you.  Children yell at you.  Spouses yell at you.  You then startle, notice the food you are holding, and start distributing.  Plants flail around outside of your house and then die without even ringing the doorbell.  Something tells me Emily Post has a deleted chapter about this.

                It doesn't help that I am from a completely different place, planting-wise, than I live now.  Most of the seed packets I handled as a kid included the words "when the frost is off the ground."  Out here, frost is an unusual occurrence, not the official ground uniform of five to seven months of the year.  I joined a gardening group, and they started talking about microclimates and clay and I needed a cool cloth and a dark room.  From what I can see, it's always warm enough to grow something out here, and the big concern seems to be having too hot of a climate for some plants.

                A couple friends who reliably grow things and appear to have their entire immortal souls despite that have offered me their spare copies of the book that apparently has all the answers for growing things in California.  I am hopeful.  I wonder if I can install a buzzer or something to force myself to remember to water these poor plants that are going to be under my care.

                Then there was this lady at the community center last year, who suggested I get a tree trunk and bury it in my back yard.  Does anyone have a tree trunk?  Is this a legit thing?  Would this finally be what drives Fuzzy over the edge?  Was I just trolled by an older, vaguely European lady in the hot tub eleven months ago?

                Now I have to decide if I will grow food or flowers or a mix.  I'm the only one in my family who eats extensive produce, so I'd have to choose carefully or get a good salsa recipe to force on all my friends this fall.  The last time I tried to grow food, I acquired four cherry tomatoes, so this concern is probably premature. 

                Is there a gardening tutoring service, where they'll just spell "soil" in my hand until I get it?  Remember in elementary school, where they gave you dirt and a seed and just had at it?  Do they still offer that kind of gardening?

                I should delete this.  This is proof that I am knowingly entering into gardening despite my prior knowledge of homicidal neglect.